Yesterday’s lesson of witnessing my fear(s) had a bit of a kick to it, but I believe it opened up my willingness to create meaningful change in my life. Letting go of the hurtful things from our past is certainly not a new lesson, but it’s a lesson I have to experience and work through.
Today’s lesson in May Cause Miracles is to become willing. Become willing to see love and good in places where I may see darkness, willing to find happiness when I’m feeling blue, willing to seek help and support when I want to isolate myself.
It sounds simple enough, but in practice it’s a smidge more challenging.
This week I’ve been feeling a little frantic and anxious about returning to work tomorrow. Work has been a bit more challenging since my health crash a month ago and with my decision to resign at the end of the year, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.
Additionally, the symptoms of chronic fatigue, brain fog, aches, dizziness, and so on are not only distracting but really push back against my usual over-achieving tendencies. Where I used to be able to push a 10-11 hour work day, I can now barely make it through 5-6 hours. What’s also challenging, is that my co-workers have come to expect the more ambitious version of myself and I haven’t been able to ease up on the work quantity or the long hours. All of which means I’m running on empty and that could lead to another crash.
So this has been gnawing at me all week and the more the clock ticks by, the more frazzlement I feel sparking in my chest. Which, by the way, is not a particularly pleasant sensation.
It feels like a lot to work through, but I’ve dedicated myself to this wellness path and am determined to see it through. I am willing to to see love and hope instead of “Oh my god what am I doing”.
After my morning meditation and my morning nature walk, I decided that I needed to do something to move the anxiety stuck in my chest and keep it from festering and spiraling out of control.
There was an action I knew I needed to take, but I desperately did not want to take it.
My co-workers have been very kind and understanding of me and my health situation; for which I am incredibly grateful. And even though my manager has mentioned on multiple occasions to let her know when I am overwhelmed or when I need a little extra help, I haven’t wanted to. I don’t want (or know how) to slow down and I don’t want to be a burden to my team.
(There’s a big fear. Inconveniencing others.)
Today, though, with my May Cause Miracles lesson on willingness, I decided to look at my fear and resistance differently. I don’t have to carry this alone and I do have people who will help me; I just have to be willing to accept their help.
So I reached out to my manager and told her about how anxious I’ve been feeling and how I worry about not being able to keep up with my usual pace.
Her response was nothing short of gracious, kind, and supportive. My relief has been immense, and the tightness in my chest has begun to ease.
All of this is part of a significant transformation and I know that taking these steps – even if they seem small – makes a big impact. For as long as I can remember, asking for help has been a last resort that I’ve refused to take. Today’s willingness to witness that fear differently, has made a huge difference in my emotional and physical well-being.
Having had this positive experience today, I decided that I want to start a collection of the things I am grateful for. I believe that gratitude is incredibly important and can give us the resolve to be kinder and more receptive individuals.
Starting today, I’ve begin writing out the things that I am grateful for on slips of paper, rolling them up, and placing them in the vase I won from my sister’s wedding shower (I guessed the right number of Hershey kisses (and then ate almost all of them)).
I will be writing and collecting these every day and at the end of each month I will pull them out, read them, and paste them into a journal so that I can have a memento and way to look back on all the gifts I’ve been given.
I don’t want to forget this journey or these lessons. I know that learning is ongoing and that sometime we need reminders on subjects we’ve already studied. Should I ever have moments in the future where I falter, worry, or feel a little (or a lot) lost, I’ll have these tokens to remind me how abundant I am in good.
What are ways you practice gratitude?
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