Affirmations > Tears

What a week.

I want to say first that Gabby Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles is pretty damn powerful and all the daily lessons have been creating some substantial, positive shifts in my life. I am so grateful that I have her guidance to help me through this transition in my career, with my ongoing health challenges, and overall journey to wellness. I think I would be in a drastically different head space right now if I didn’t incorporate her daily words of wisdom into my life.

I truly mean this. However, I don’t want to pretend that everything has been going perfectly or that have I been able to maintain the consistent positivity of the Glenda the Good Witch (because I haven’t). This week has probably been the most challenging I’ve had in with my health since I ended up in the ER a little over a month ago.

For reference, I have a genetic disorder or mutation – I’ve never exactly figured out how to describe it – called MTHFR C677T (homozygous). Which I believe means that I don’t (or nearly don’t) methylate, which is important for breaking down toxins and repairing cells. When I’m exposed to things such as mold, fungus, heavy metals, pollutants, etc, my body isn’t able to flush it out. I therefore can become quite unwell. For the past three years I’ve been working through symptoms of chronic fatigue, aches & pains, lethargy, headaches, and terrible brain fog.

This week my cognition abilities have substantially declined. My mind struggles to process information, to retain instructions, to find memories, speak articulately, and is generally slow as sludge. I keep finding myself getting lost in sentences to the point where I’m nearly stuttering. It’s not pleasant and I have felt pretty let down by body. It has also made doing my job kind of a nightmare. It’s hard to do tasks when I, for the life of me, cannot understand what people are saying to me – even when they speak slowly or write down their instructions.

I went to my natural doc on Friday who thinks my symptoms sound like Lyme disease or some other chronic ailment. I am from Connecticut and Lyme-carrying-ticks are pretty much our mascot, so I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if that were true. And at this point, I’m praying for some sort of positive test result just so that I can finally know what the heck is going on.

On Thursday, the symptoms were getting ahead of me and I was feeling overwhelmed and utterly disappointed in my body. I know I’m supposed to deflect these feelings, but it feels wrong to have followed the life rules I’ve given by my family, by co-workers, society, myself and so on. I went to the gym almost everyday this summer, I eat lots of dark leafy greens, I worked hard at my job, I brush my teeth, I have no loans or debt, I take public transportation, I pet a lot of dogs,  and I try to be patient when people walk slowly in front of me. I kept thinking: why have I done so much to build a life for myself, only to be shoved into so much uncertainty around my health, my career, my finances, – really everything.

I have built a reliable life, and here my body is keeping me from walking down the path I’ve worked so hard to establish.

All of this was driving me crazy and I had to go home early on Thursday because I was pretty fried and in a bit of discomfort. I was sitting on my bedroom floor, trying to work, trying to understand the instructions a co-worker had sent over, when I started to cry.

That morning I had also told my boss what my final day at work will be and I was starting to panic that I won’t actually be able to follow through with that timeline. Out of fear of my upcoming financial situation, I’m going to try to hang on until the end of January. But between you and me – I’m not sure I’m going to make it to the end of December, especially if my cognitive issues keep going the way they are.

I was in the middle of a sob when I grabbed May Cause Miracles and re-read that day’s affirmation out loud: “Today I commit to miraculous shifts.”

In that moment I was not able to see the positivity of my situation, but I knew I could still practice mindfulness.

I did not have any sort of epiphany or feel the magical light of the Universe shine upon me in that moment. However, I did feel hope and deep love for the wellness journey I’ve dedicated myself to. Mere weeks ago, an episode like this would have resulted in a downward spiral of self-pity with a soundtrack of Sarah McLachlan and a video montage of the sad ASPCA ads. But with Gabby Bernstein’s lessons, my meditation practice, and the fact that I have experienced real shifts since starting this wellness journey, I knew it was important not to let myself fall down.

The sadness didn’t go away, but deep appreciation filled my heart and I knew in that moment that I will figure this all out. What I need is patience and to continue trusting the Universe and all the people and messages who/that show up in my life to help guide me through this phase of my life.

This week’s lessons in May Cause Miracles are around body image and self love. I don’t know if I’ve ever needed a lesson so badly. It’s as if Gabby wrote her book just for me, as if she knew I’d need these lessons at exactly this time in my life.

What do other folks, with or without chronic health conditions, do when they’re having a particularly difficult time? What do you do to brush off your frustrations and rebuilds your confidence and wellness? I’d love to know.

In the meantime, I’m going to watch The Holiday for the fourth time this weekend.

One Comment on “Affirmations > Tears

  1. If I’m able, I watch or listen to comedy because sometimes a little mental escape helps you re-face the reality of chronic illness. It’s relentless but we also deserve moments where it isn’t who we are but simply something that has happened to our bodies. Hope that makes sense. Also hoping you make it at work as long as you need…

    Liked by 1 person

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